Snow doesn't just sell itself to the Eskimos. Meet some of the dedicated team whose expertise made Snowbrokers.com a reality.
The staff photos were all lost in a recent (and highly suspicious) fire at our offices at Scratchwood. Fortunately, the police have issued us with these e-fit identkit images.
Various official departments and bureaucratic bodies have managed to get the name of the Snowbrokers.com CEO wrong. The DWP was sure he was Joseph Havens, the board at Durpim Trevors had him down as Jasper Hovis and the buyers of Mr. Purr’s Kipper Bites all hailed Justin Regan as Cat Home Manager of the Year.
At Snowbrokers.com he is simply known as Tarko.
Tarko is the thinker who first came up with the concept of setting up a brokerage to facilitate international snow sales targeting the lucrative Eskimo market. Now that the company has been established, he is still an integral part of the organisation. He spends many hours, sitting at his desk, attempting to fathom exactly how integral he has become.
Yakov is the site manager over at the snow processing plant at Allington Point. He hand picks all his staff from his hometown in Russia, as they know exactly how Yakov likes to handle business and get things done. We could explain this techniques, but it doesn’t translate very well… it’s a Siberian thing.
Yakov has a very simple clear health and safety policy onsite. As long as everyone listens very carefully to him and does exactly as he says then no one will get hurt. If only people listened.
We are certain that Richard plays a very important part in the company, but defining exactly it is that he does is rather tricky. We did ask him to supply a full job description for this section, but he got quite defensive about it. As soon as he shows his face again then we will ensure that this is updated. Actually, has anyone seen Richard recently?
Ed is in charge of all legal matters and also deals with personnel issues.
Many people think he should deal with some personal issues, too, but we can't say what they might be, as Ed has taken out an injunction to prevent us from divulging these.
Ed's legal documents are watertight. The cupboard he keeps them in is also watertight and fireproof. As well as springing random fire drills upon the company, he routinely makes the organisation prepare for floods, terrorism, alien abduction and acts of God.
Rurik is our sole supplier of SIberian snow, including the very exclusive Tunguska range of comet-enriched snow. Despite the abundance of Norwegian and Arctic product we have, the Inuit only buy Siberian snow. And let's not even start on the Swiss stuff clogging up our silos.
Lemon cares a great deal for Tarko. She also cares very much for Doghouse and Spoon. And Lemon cares an awful lot for the environment and clean living.
What she doesn't care a great deal for are all the bulldozers and trucks churning up the Siberian landscape and selling it to the Alaskans without really knowing why they want it in the first place.
Lemon was once the office manager, but she left the company. This was done very amicably. Tarko then talked her into staying and she left a second time. That didn't go quite so well.
Dog is not directly employed by Snowbrokers.com, but he is regularly hired as a consultant to watch over our IT. This is a very valuable service, as some of our servers really don't get on with each other.
What we don't pay Dog to do is regularly watch over the Russian girls who work at our head office, but Ed is due to have a word with him about that soon.
Spoon is a mechanical engineer and is a key partner to the Snowbrokers operation. The speed at which Spoon can strip down and respray and truck in a different colour is something to be seen.
Fortunately, he wasn’t seen and so we think that we got away with that one.
Minty is head of sales and is responsible for keeping our current clients happy and trying to generate new business. He spends most of his day with an ear glued to the telephone making calls to Alaska.
His main business challenge is in attempting to persuade any Inuit tribes to buy Swiss snow. His main personal goal is trying to persuade the cute-sounding international operator to give him her personal number.
Snowbrokers’ commitment to helping to protect the environment can be clearly seen at every level of the organisation. From the biggest machinery at Allington Point right down to the tiniest detail over at the office in Scratchwood, conservation is king. Akulina, the office manager, conserves the Earth’s resources by only utilising two of the buttons on her blouse, thus saving strain on the other five.
And such is his attention to detail, Tarko spends many long hours appreciating the conservation efforts of all his staff, but only when he has a free window from contemplating how much he does to keep the company going.
Daria is Tarko’s PA and she has a very special place within the company. This is normally perched on the corner of Tarko’s desk, foot tapping playfully and pen poised, ready to write down Tarko’s next strategic business strategy. Just as soon as he can think of one, she will be ready and waiting to write it down.
Alan is the office janitor. Barking, born and bred. Well, we're not overly sure where he was born and he cannot remember who he is much of the time.
But we are sure about the barking bit. Completely barking. Though it's much more of a 'meow' to be honest, as he often thinks he's a cat.
Jimmy is a silent partner in the venture, though most people in the company are of the opinion that he has forgotten about the silent bit. A butcher by trade, Jimmy’s interest in butchery stems from his fascination with taking radios apart as a child to see how they work. Most people wish he had kept silent about that too.